It's Not Fair the Second Time Either
by NeoTroi79
Summary: Elliot pines for things he can't have.


Woot! Another Oneshot! I'm excited, are you? Anyways, not much to say except this story was inspired by my best friend's brother's band, Standing Down. So you should check them out at cuz they're wicked cool. Its modeled after the song "What's so Wrong" and its from Elliot's POV. Enjoy! And don't forget to review!

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1…2…3…wait. 1…2…3…8…fuck. I shake my head. I can't even count felonies at this point. 

Sometimes I get that feeling. It's a sadness I think. A feeling of dread that I know is there. That feeling that tells me I could love you if I let myself. But of course is not possible. At least not in your world. You are...as bluntly as I can put it…a lesbian. But hey, it doesn't stop me from dreaming. Especially now that I'm not a married man.

And I mean, come on. It's not like you've never been with a man before. Granted the last one was Cassidy, that jerk-off bastard, but I'm guessing he had a penis, right?

So what's so wrong with conceding to me? I'm not that bad looking and I love you. I mean it. It was a long and slow and unwilling fall, but I fell head over heels for you and I've been struggling ever since.

I put down the file I'm reading. I spend way too much time thinking about this. I really do. It's in the small things. The way your hair bounces now that it's longer. The highlights always seem to catch the light just right. Drives me crazy. I wish these thoughts would get out my head. I really should focus on this case. We're not going to get a chance like this again. We could catch this guy, you and I together.

I'm not what you want me to be…at least not all the time. I can tell. You want me to regard our relationship at totally platonic, strict partner to partner friendship. Seriously…you must be crazy. I can't do it. Believe me I've tried. So I hide it. It's the simplest thing to do.

You probably noticed the change. Lately, I'm not really myself, at least not the me that you used to know. I wish you would get back from the coffee run. Being alone with my thoughts is not a good thing. Which makes me realize that I really don't want to go home tonight.

But for right now I'm stuck in this black hole of misery. Quite suddenly, but not entirely surprising, Kathy pops into my mind. The way she looked when she told me she loved me for the first time. Oh great. It's someone worse than you.

God I loved that woman. I still do. She shared her life with me, as I shared mine. Our love made four beautiful children and I would give anything to go back to the way things were with her. I'd truly give up everything.

Really, can't I catch a break? What's wrong with me? I'm so fucked up I'm in love with the two most unattainable women I've ever met. I suppose I could blame the job, but at this point it seems so hollow.

People try to tell me that all of this happened for a reason, my divorce…my visitation battle. Well, they are wrong. They don't have damn idea what I'm going through. This is not how it's supposed to be. I'm not supposed to be stuck in time; I'm not supposed to be trapped from moving on with my life and I'm certainly not supposed to be falling for my extremely unavailable partner while I'm not even over my ex-wife.

The truth of it all is I'm tired of it. I'm just tired of emotions altogether. I'm tired of meeting other people's expectations of how I'm supposed to feel. When I am happy, they think I never cared. When I'm sad, they tell me to get over it. But most of all, I'm tired of feeling so lonely. People seem to forget that I slept next to a warm body for the past fifteen years of my life. It's not easy to just give that up.

I've been thrown into a completely different world. Like I'm opening my eyes for the first time. I'm making decisions I've never make before and I'm not sure I like it. Decisions like "I should consider making a move on my partner" decisions. Look, this is all new to me. And I not used to dealing with all these newly released emotions.

I'm trying. I swear I'm trying as hard as I can to make sense of all of this. Here I am…blunt again…I don't want a divorce, I never did. I don't want to jump ship and fuck up the status quo. Apparently the status quo sucked for everyone but me…I wish someone would have told me. Nobody told me I had to be perfect. Surprise, surprise, I'm not.

I can't stand this. Why isn't there an off switch to love? It really isn't fair that I'm stuck in the middle like this. I don't want to be in love ever again. It felt so good with Kathy, so fulfilling. I'm so tired of thinking of the way things could have been, the way things should have been. How I should have been home more, how I let her slip through my fingers.

I can't do it. I won't do it. Did I just say that out loud? A rush of perspective floods my ears and I realize exactly how alone I am.

How fucked up am I? I feel like the world is a play and someone has stolen my script. I feel so left behind. I wish the world would stop for just a minute. Let me catch up. Let me heal for a moment. Instead the world races forward, kicking up dust into my wounds.

I'm down. I'm down and beaten. I laugh. I laugh out loud. I think I've finally cracked.

You walk in with the coffee. You ask me what the hell I'm laughing about. I make something up. I'm so fake. You see right through it, but you don't comment. You are so beautiful.

I stand to get the coffee. My hand touches yours. Electricity tingles all of my nerves. Why does that feel right? Why did I have to think about all this now? Why tonight?

I'm suddenly very close to you. Why does this feel so right? You look so confused. Perhaps a little scared. You may fight me. You may even run from me. But I'm here. Your lips part in question. The innuendo is too much.

I kiss you.

It's soft and quick. You didn't really have a chance to react. It takes me a moment to realize what I've done.

A fundamental wrong. A fundamental need. Oh, I've just made things so complicated.

I turn away.

I hear you click your tongue in thought. I don't want to say anything. Fuck, I can't even turn back to you. I may go insane. Right here. 10:24 pm on Thursday, June 15 2006, Elliot Stabler goes to the nuthouse.

I hear your chair move as you lean back into it. A pregnant silence permeates the room and I feel like I just want to crawl in a hole and die.

"Happy Birthday."

That wasn't what I was expecting. I turn in surprise. You have this amazingly calm smile for one whose just been violated by her co-worker. My face must have been hysterical, but you just laugh quietly.

"You're birthday is in two weeks." She informs me. "Consider it an early present."

I balk at the turn of events. You're so calm. How could you be so calm?

You laugh again, out loud this time.

"But…" I burst.

"Elliot." You cut me off. "I'm not stupid and I'm not blind. I knew it was going to happen eventually. It's a fundamental truth that I have accepted.

"But…" I start again; my face must be pale as a ghost.

"Elliot." You say sternly. "Shut up. You are making things way too complicated."

"But…" Has my vocabulary really come down to one word?

You laugh once again and remark, "And they say women are overdramatic." There is a short pause before you tell me to sit down.

I think I've been frozen in time until I hear your sympathetic voice through the fog.

"You'll find her someday, Elliot. Just hang on until then. I promise you will."

I hold back a sigh. But I've already found her. I think to myself, _Twice._

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Well? That was my first time writing from a male perspective. Tell me how I did!


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